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Welcome

Ha ha, I have a bit of a tendency to fidget when I'm on camera, so when my hands are below the shot, it kind of makes it look like I'm up to something I shouldn't be. Hee hee. I assure you that everything happening in this video is G-rated. I think.




Questions? Complaints? Requests? Hints and allegations? E-mail me here or here, or catch Farshimmelt on AIM (if I'm ever on AIM anymore).

Edit 10-25-10: What the hell....Facebook me if you so dig. I'm Cheshire Adams, with profile pic of Lucy the cat.

This blog is dedicated to Lucy, whom I thank for seventeen years of pleasure, and to Loki, Abby, and Linus for their contributions to memories as far back as my own memory goes.

Peace............

A tip for the "outsiders"

Some of you may not be too familiar with how a blog's "comments" work. Quite simply, you can communicate back to me by clicking on x comments at the bottom of any given post (where x is however many comments that post has), saying whatever you have to say in the provided typing field, and "publish(ing) your comment." This way, you can, for example, casually joke about a specific post without going out of your way to e-mail me. Dig?

Cheshire Adams - Society's Waste (acoustic)

Written a while ago (click for lyrics); recorded this past Thursday (4-19-12). This song rather should be electric, but, y'know....



As always....you got comments, please share 'em.

Cheshire Adams - Now What?

Performed live for my poetry class, 12-6-11.








Well now, people told me when I was young, when I'm
Older, if I'm gonna have my fun, I gotta
Bust my ass all the while before, even
Though it may seem like an endless chore, it's gonna
Bring success to you when you are done, yeah it's
Gonna help you out in the long run, so now
Get to work and set aside your fears, you'll be
Good to rest in just a few short years

I had no way of knowing better
I followed everything to the letter
I hunkered down and I worked so hard
My ass is busted into shards

Here I am
Now what?

Well I sealed myself off from the social world, and I
Never even stopped to talk to girls, yeah I
Broke myself off from the world I knew, and I
Can't get back on 'cause I got no glue, but I

Got this glossy, nice certificate, and not a
Single clue for what to do with it. Tell me
Is there any place that I can go? There must be
Someone 'round here who knows

Here I am
Now what?

Take these shards of my shattered ass, and give me
Something I can use that'll last. See, I've
Been through hell and now I want out. I need
Something I can be about

Here I am
Now what?

Cheshire Adams - Sweet Release

At last! A new song (as of 9-20-11)!

One take. Edited out a couple bits of the intro that caused it to go on a bit longer than appealed to my aesthetics, and ever slightly faded out ending (I'd tried mimicking the "fade out" trick manually as I was playing, but it still needed a bit of a finishing touch in Audacity, IMO).

As always, comments are welcome. And indeed encouraged.

(P.S. I moved "It's Psych" back a ways in the blog, around its approximate recording date.)



A strange new pulse possesses me
All my might won't break me free
I'm helpless here in Nature's grip
Which tightens still at the sight of your hips
You've got that shape that casts a spell
Perhaps you're in that grip as well

Any time you wanna
We can reach Nirvana
Put our troubles on our
Fire

'Cause it's built up like a great big wall
I need your touch to make it fall
So let's make love, let's make peace
Let's induce this sweet release

Those jeans would surely tell no lies
They advertise, they hypnotize
So snug around your perfect thighs
And so this pulse shall onward rise
I want to elicit complicit sighs
And shoot us up into the skies

So come on Girl
We're gonna ditch this world
Let it all unfurl
Higher

We shall fuse our energy
To take on this whole galaxy
And so expand, and so increase
Destined for that sweet release

You know that I can't help but see
Your obvious femality
It seems to scream, Hey look at me
I'm in charge here. Glory be!
And I'm just sat here helplessly
Got no choice but to agree

So whaddaya say
We're gonna do this today
Let whatever may,
Transpire

'Cause it's built up like a great big wall
I need your touch to make it fall
So let's make love, let's make peace
Let's induce
This sweet release

Cheshire Adams - So Far From Home (acoustic)

One take. Slight fade-out at the end and noises chopped off either end.



Your comments are welcome.


Woke up
Thought I'd have a nice cup of tea
Turned out
I'd no clue what lay before me
Whisked off
From my home before I could think
Not even granted
So much as a drink

And I try to find peace of mind
Everywhere I roam
But it seems this crazy universe
Will not leave me alone
And it pains me so to blindly sail
Into this vast unknown
In the face of all this rampant madness
So far from home

Shot at, insulted
Battered and bruised
Hung up and weary,
Dazed and confused
Wondering
If all this is really necessary
Crying out
For help with this load I must carry

And I try to find peace of mind
Everywhere I roam
But it seems this crazy universe
Will not leave me alone
And it pains me so to blindly sail
Into this vast unknown
In the face of all this rampant madness
So far from home

I'd like to know
Just what all this is for
Is this all there is
Or is there something more?
I'd like to make peace
Before I am through
If only I knew
What to do

And I try to find peace of mind
Everywhere I roam
Over desert sand and tundra
Soil and foam
But it eludes me still just like a
Dove that has flown
And I could probably find it again
If only I could get home

Woke up
Thought I'd have a nice cup of tea
Turned out
I'd no clue what lay before me
Still don't
But I know that it don't look good
I'd be
Right back in your arms if I could

And I try to find peace of mind.....

Baseball Season's Under Way

I wrote this at the beginning of the 2011 baseball season and posted it as a Facebook note. Why there and not here, I don't know. So I'm bringing it here now. And why not? The Cubs have lost twelve straight coming into today. And they're down a run now.

There's a certain poetry about the Cubs and their fans. A parallel, perhaps, to the greater humanity and the widespread undying faith in a higher power that will make everything "right". Sure, it's possible. It could happen. Any millennium now.

Somehow, it remains. Nothing happens, and nothing happens, and nothing happens, and nothing happens, and nothing happens, and the faith somehow remains. We will be rescued from this existential hell! We will be saved! The Cubs are going all the way! Humanity is going all the way!

I find it fascinating that the same people in the heartland who make it a point to act as sort of local missionaries, spreading the word about our savior, should mock the Cubs and their fans for believing in something that "just ain't gonna happen".

And, of course, I'm not the least bit religious in any sense or direction. I firmly believe that anything involving deities and saviors that aren't ourselves is pure bovine fecal matter.

So why am I a Cubs fan? Maybe it's partly genetic, but the Cubs happen to strike me as simply being a uniquely likable organization, unlike any other sports entity. Yeah, the Red Sox got that cozy community feeling as well, but the Cubs' aura beats it out, to me. The Cubs can trade away the half of their major players that don't have noticeably imperfect personalities, and, in spite of what I say at that time, spring comes around, and, somehow, here I am again.

Cubs fandom is the mark of true human beings. And, in spite of my frequent talk of me coming from another planet, that ain't likely. I am human, and I find it best to roll with that.

Play ball!

I quite dislike getting the news of the death of certain pop stars. Not because I'm a fan, but because I know I'll have to put up with their insipid pop music as everyone's playing it in tribute. Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston, now Donna Summer. Rest in peace, all of 'em. I know I'll be leaving them in peace.

I'm having an unsightly growth on my neck removed. And no, it's not my head.

Lolling Out Loud

Those of you who've interacted with me online a lot may have noticed that I never use the term "lol". I'll say "ha ha", "heh", "hee hee", or any one of a number of such things, but I just don't dig "lol". I guess I'm a big fan of particular expressiveness; I find "lol" to not be terribly descriptive. And it certainly doesn't convey the feeling of actually laughing out loud very well. Especially since many people use it in nearly everything they post. And frankly, I ain't laughing at everything they post. It's rather lost any kind of meaning for me. Heck, a couple people even put some variation of "lmao" in nine out of ten statuses/tweets/etc.. I wonder, "What, isn't there a strong enough duct tape that can keep your ass attached while you laugh? You've lost it so many times now."

I also get rather turned off by so many discussions I encounter where about a third of the transmissions, including the last consecutive four, are just "lol". Maybe my sense of humor is just different from that of most people, but I am seldom laughing that much in one conversation. I tend to picture these "lol-ers" as just sitting there, sort of pretending to be amused — maybe making just a fraction of a chuckle with their breath, maybe two very short exhales through the nose, but very little show of emotion at all. And that's about how "lol" comes across to me — emotionless filler.

I rather hope that I don't find myself putting emotionless filler out there. Or that society should somehow compel me to. I kind of feel like I'd be holding my hands in the air and surrendering if I used "lol". Come to think of it... lol rather looks like a guy with his hands in the air.

And I probably should say, I don't completely distance myself from cyber-acronyms and similar initials. I'll use FTW on occasion, as well as a couple others that escape me just now. But LOL just doesn't do it for me. Nor do OMG or ROFLMAO. And I'll usually use an emoticon in place of "WTF": ¿-⌠ (Tilt your head like you would for :-), and you'll see it. Hopefully.)

Eight More Favorite Albums

So I thought I'd post something rather more positive after that lash at commercial radio below. Enjoy!

July - July

I can't believe I forgot about this one in the first "Favorite Albums" installment. This is one of the cornerstones of classic British psychedelia.

"Mothers say, stay away far as you can, friendly man."

Boston - Boston

So after my post about commercial "classic rock" radio, I go and endorse the album with More Than a Feeling on it. What the hey? Well, I happen to think that More Than a Feeling retains its freshness and just outruns the blurred line of overplayedness. Indeed, I think that the whole album retains a crisp, fresh and unique sound. Well, maybe Rock & Roll Band is just a bit stale.

"Now you're climbin' to the top of the company ladder / Hope it doesn't take too long / Can't you see there'll come a day when it won't matter / Come a day when you'll be gone."

Ananda Shankar - Ananda Shankar

Ravi's nephew released this marriage of East and West in 1970. I actually haven't spun this in a while; I need to again.

"He belongs equally to us all."

Frank Zappa - Joe's Garage

Zappa takes an utterly horrifying three-LP look at this society's views on music, taken to their logical extremes, as only the supernaturally intelligent Zappa can.

"I've got it — I'll be sullen and withdrawn. I'll dwindle off into the twilight realm of my own secret thoughts...."

Rainbow Ffolly - Sallies Fforth

Something lighter-hearted to follow up the insanity of Joe's Garage: an unfinished, playful pop-psych record from the UK in '68. Excellent pop songwriting, randomish non-sequitur segues....such qualities don't often show up on albums.

"Come on Noah! Eat up your curried unicorn!"

Steve Miller Band - Fly Like an Eagle

Les Paul's eager student flaunts his psychedelic side in 1976 with the finest in outer-space production, but not without acknowledging his roots. Just a captivating listening experience.

"We're lost in space, and the time is our own."

Anonymous - Inside the Shadow

That's just the band's name; they're not actually anonymous. What they are is a thoroughly excellent sort of hybrid of the Byrds, Jefferson Airplane, and maybe a touch of the kind of "power pop" that had established itself by 1976, when this came out. Wonderful, other-worldly sounds from Indianapolis.

"Will you ride?"

Sopwith Camel - The Miraculous Hump Returns From the Moon

From 1972. Think "Vaudeville in space". The album has some nice jazzy touches as well.

"Who's gonna go on all those trips in outer space?"

Fifteen (or Sixteen) Songs That Classic Rock Radio Needs to Forget

The appearance of this topic on here may puzzle many of you. "Cheshire Adams is a well-seasoned veteran of the music blogosphere and just about every musical outlet of the Internet. Why is he wasting space on terrestrial radio? That dump's been dead for years!" Well, suffice it to say that even with the mp3 player and all the contemporary conveniences, I still find myself trapped in a car with a closed-minded family member or two every so often. So I once again turn to my blog as an excuse to get this stuff off my chest. And I'm going to try to pick evenly and fairly from classic rock radio's limited range of artists — one from each overplayed artist.

Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody

I can hear all the Queen lovers and Wayne's World fans getting up in arms over this choice. The truth is, though it's a fine song on its own, cinematically sewing styles together, it has simply been played and heard far too often. Believe me, back when I was making my own mixtapes on cassette (I think I got up to eight and a half), before I discovered the blogosphere, this was on one of them. Alas, the commercial world has utterly robbed this song of its luster and rendered it a mundane lump of rock in a volcanic wasteland. But I may still listen to Weird Al's Bohemian Polka on occasion.

Foghat - Slow Ride

Oh my holy Zarquon, does this song ever end? It just goes on and on and on. It was only so good to begin with. This song has nothing to hold my interest, despite the ending that gradually speeds up as if approaching orgasm. No orgasm here, though; just another mundane "classic rock" radio song.

Foreigner - Cold as Ice

Foreigner left a few candidates for this list: "Hot Blooded", "Feels Like the First Time", "Jukebox Hero" ... but I think this one beats out the other hits in the forgettability department. "Hot Blooded" at least is cheesy in that Seventies style that never gets old. And I suppose I can grant "Jukebox Hero" its "pomp" value.

Pink Floyd - Time / Money

I couldn't decide between the two overplayed Dark Side of the Moon hits, so I picked them both. Hey, "time is money", right? Ha ha. Certainly overexposure renders them the same mind-numbingness that emanates from a radio tuned to a "classic rock" frequency.

The Who - My Generation

Televised and similar commercials might be in part to blame for this song having gotten stale. Sure, it was a vital cultural touchstone when it came out, but now? As Calvin (Hobbes the tiger's human) pointed out in one strip, the generation that created it is now the establishment. The song has become a symbol of the bland, greed-driven baby-boomer corporate culture that's gripped this country in bondage and pleasured itself all up in it. It's repulsive. (It's possible that Townshend and Daltrey realized this after just a few years; "Meet the new boss / same as the old boss", they sang in the Orwellian "Won't Get Fooled Again" in 1971.)

Bad Company - Can't Get Enough

Another band with plenty of choices — "Feel Like Makin' Love" and "Rock & Roll Fantasy" come to mind. This one, I decided, wins the blandness contest among Bad Company's big splashes in the classic rock cesspool.

Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love

It's just been overplayed. Simple as that.

The Rolling Stones - You Can't Always Get What You Want

Use the "world's greatest rock & roll band" protest all you want; this thing is a snoozefest. "Sympathy For the Devil" is cuttin' it close as well.

R.E.M - The One I Love

R.E.M. ain't that great a band to begin with; they're kind of drone-y. This song tries so hard to be something; it's, like, almost there.....! But not quite. Drives me nuts.

The Eagles - Hotel California

Another song that could've been fine if stations would've played this song in greater moderation, even though I feel like I've heard certain musical elements of this song in something older. But the stations haven't done so. Also, I won't diss it outright as an official entry here, but "Peaceful, Easy Feeling" is boring.

Eric Clapton - Wonderful Tonight

All right, boring and overplayed sappy shit!

Stevie Nicks - Edge of Seventeen

Good God, this song just goes on and on and on. Stevie should have stayed with the Mac.

ZZ Top - Tush

Short, mercifully...but still overplayed and boring. Was there some kind of novelty value to this song at one point? 'Cause it's lost now.

Electric Light Orchestra - Don't Bring Me Down

For a non-overplayed take on the main riff here, may I suggest Atomic Rooster's "Can't Take No More"?

....Finally, Journey. I sense some of you have been eagerly awaiting a Journey entry on this list. And I ain't one to disappoint.

Journey - Any Way You Want It

Okay, maybe I do disappoint in that the choice isn't "Don't Stop Believin'", but I ain't quite that "hipster". I pick this song because, in addition to being mundane radio noise with none of the catchiness of DSB, this song also gets regularly whored out in commercials. I make reference to one particular commercial that's using it now in one of the selections in the Facebook roundup that's the post below this one. It's like "Oh my God, not this again! Somebody put a foot-long bullet in my head. So....boring!"

All right, that's all for now. I'm listening to fresher stuff as I type this, so I likely missed a few things that make me change the station. Skynyrd and later-era Aerosmith should probably make an appearance here somewhere. Anyway, have a great day!

Facebook Selections, Pt. III

Not quite seven months this time.

These posts are crazy-long, aren't they?

"Look at you!" What is this condescending nonsense? "Look at you!" I know damn well what I look like or what I'm doing. I don't need the approval of some arrogant, self-righteous nitwit. Take a look at *your*self, why don't you? *I'm* going to look at the ladies!

While trying to light the Chanukah candles, the flame went out on us. Oops.

Often, the local lanes move faster than the express.

The child just wanted to gaze into the wrapping paper, while everyone else wanted to tear it apart.

(the night after Christmas) Well, I'd better get in line for my King Day shopping.

There should be a band called "Turns Out They Were Midgets. Who Knew?".

I'm just a bit of a ways down the interstate from Normal.

I'm tired of hearing about smart phones. I'd rather have a wise phone.

Just *some* of a sudden

I think I've figured out why dubstep and autotune are popular. Somewhere along the line, people discovered that the beat is the only thing people can hear in a crowded night space, and therefore all other aspects of the music could be absolute non-biodegradable fecal matter, long as the beat remained intact. Hey, even if they do hear other aspects of the music, everyone's drunk anyway.

First world problems: Feeling obligated to appear concerned for all humanity by describing some inanity on the Internet as a "first world problem".

i can haz original thoughtz

I was very self-absorbed growing up. It turns out they're saying "DE-FENSE". I always just heard "heave heh" and thought it was just some kind of good-time gibberish.

"I took a women's psychology class once .... That teacher was such a bitch!" —My mother

"Everything" bagels only have poppy and sesame seeds, and bits of onion. How is that "everything"? I demand everything from rubber to lilac on my each and every bagel! It's the Jewish version of Every Flavor Beans. Harry Pottman goes to Hogschwartz!

Your attention please: "Cheshire" rhymes with "pressure". That is all.

The Super Bowl: A celebration of the fact that we're just about done with football for a few solid months. Good.

"Mommy, why are you watching a show about mothers who kill their children?"

Cheshire sez: Business that is open is most likely to get business.

I hope this isn't "TMI", but I came to realize that the sound my toilet makes when returning from "flushed" to "ready" could totally pass as background for ambient music.

*ZIP!* —the sound of a deadline whooshing by. Also, how much of a damn I give.

Life's simple pleasures: Bubble wrap.

When I was growing up, my mother told me "don't be fresh". Well, what's the alternative to being fresh? Being rotten! Am I right?

I'm sorry, but I just cannot look at that and interpret it as something other than "Deadmau Five".

Accurate adjective is accurate

Inane meme is inane

If you're building your toolbox, where do you keep the tools when you take a break?

iDunno

Thought someone called my name, but I guess that was just the music.

on we: ennui

cunt-rol freak

Menards: what a Brit exclaims when he's hit in the groin.

Life's simple pleasures: A good chocolate shake; good live music; good times and laughs with groovy people; all those things together.

I think that, if the characters in a commercial are going to have a conversation made out of the lyrics of a pop song, the commercial should be prohibited from playing the actual song at the end. It's insulting to the viewers' intelligence.

Lately it occurs to me...the new Pepsi logo looks suspiciously similar to the Steal Your Face logo.

"Facebook us! We tow cars!" —rearrangable sign for a corner convenience store

Is there an opposite of "je ne sais quois"? You know, a certain UNendearing quality? Seems like there ought to be.

I am wholly against cat declawing, but I wouldn't mind dog delarynxing.

Beating a cold: Laying off some olfactory workers.

Baseball player: A ballpark figure.

There is nothing like the roar of really good seltzer.

We have an adjective "dreary", but we don't have a noun "drear". It would be useful for describing my father.

The problem with nice days is, battling flying pests all evening.

has-been
husband

Bud Light is using "Here We Go" as a signifier of a good time. Usually, when I say "here we go", it means my family is getting into a routine and wholly unpleasant argument. "Ugh, here we go..."

Apparently, "Washington University" is in St. Louis. This kind of thing might be why I never got into college sports.

Like a simile
it turns out I don't always
like a simile

Toilet paper should go over the roll. I take a firm stance on that.

For the Benefit of Any Readers Not in My Books of Faces

After eight arduous years, I'm finally graduating from UIUC. The official name of the degree is "Bachelor of the Arts in Creative Writing, Mathematics & Technology". In other words, jack of all trades and master of none. So, on I go from one interminable life phase to the next: Twenty years of schoolin', to Lookin' for a day shift. (Or a night shift; that would seem to coincide with my natural hours more nicely.) If anyone has some job suggestions, feel free to lay 'em on me. I think I want to work with people face to face. And travel.

Peace and love,
Cheshire Adams

Minimize

Another poem reliant on its visual layout. The name at the end has been changed to protect me.

Read it.......here.

Public Autoerotica

(This poem depends on its visual layout, which Blogger will not allow. Therefore, it can be viewed on Google Docs....

....here.

Peace.)

No matter how thoroughly I shower, my deodorant manages to pick up hair.

Eight Favorite Albums

Before the next — hopefully my final — semester starts, I wanted to jot this down in a place where I can count on it not getting "pruned". The original version of this was utterly magnificent, I tell you.

Joni Mitchell - Court & Spark

It was roughly junior year of high school when I first heard this, and it actually took a couple listens before the magic poked my brain sharply and permanently scarringly. An already great lyricist has honed her instrumentation skills to leap into supernatural musical realms.

"Laughing and crying, you know it's the same release."

Churchill's - Churchill's

Mostly British psychedelic rock, recorded in Tel Aviv, and indeed bearing certain musical traits of that region. This is fuzz at its finest.

"Straight people...turn them all on now."

Frank Zappa & the Mothers of Invention - We're Only in it For the Money

Described by some as "Sgt. Pepper's evil twin", this simultaneous jab at the establishment and the counter-culture in 1968 will blow your brain apart in much the way that the "flower punk"'s brain blows apart right before your ears on this record. Relentless experimentation and effects make it.

"You'll be absolutely free only if you want to be."

Caravan - In the Land of Grey & Pink

Caravan seem to me the most "accessible" of the Canterbury bands — a scene centered around a sort of progressive jazz-pop sound. This is probably their finest moment, marrying that sound with a sense of humor (or humour) and a knack for catchiness and memorability, with the side-long "Nine Feet Underground" providing that other-worldly journey that stays with the listener long after it's ended.

"These dreams are always ending far too soon."

Steely Dan - Aja

Say what you will about the 'Dan; this is a bloody good album.

"Could it be that I have found my home at last?"

White Noise - An Electric Storm

Some BBC Radiophonic Workshop people played around in the studio after hours and produced a uniquely spooky record, filled with whooshes and other odd sound effects from relentless tape manipulation and experimentation. "The Visitation" is downright chilling.

"Why do you let it hold you? Life must be lived in full view. In every sin, there must be pride. Your hidden dreams can't be denied."

Spirit - Twelve Dreams of Dr. Sardonicus

Many styles of memorable, well-crafted pop/rock songs. Simple as that.

"Oh no, you got too much to lose; got to get on home to the animal zoo."

The End - Introspection

Bill Wyman of the Stones produced this album of British pop-psych that was perfect for the time they recorded it — 1967. Sadly, the album's release was delayed until two years later, when pop-psych was long-history in the minds of record buyers, and the album sank with nary a trace. Luckily, it didn't perish altogether.

"You can't hide inside a dream."

Selections from Seven *More* Months of a Second Facebook Account

This period saw the introduction of a subset of my friends on there who could see some uncensored stuff. There were maybe eight of my three hundred seventy-something friends on it, and they saw maybe five statuses that no one else did.

So, uh, happy Gregorian New Year, and enjoy!

It was a moment of intense, supernatural realization. The universe suddenly made sense. Armed with this newfound knowledge, I could take the whole bloody thing on, hand to void, and win. Ask the alarm clock. It took it.

Those graduate gowns are a wonderful shade of Cubbie Blue......

Toto...I've a feeling we're not on Campus anymore.

"Had you taken your antidepressants the day you committed the murder?"
"I honestly don't remember."

One of the few downsides of not having a mobile device is the inability to capture a photo or video of three people at the same table at a restaurant, all on their own mobile devices, completely silent.

On second thought, maybe that's all right.

Tabasco status. To spice up your news feed.

If pleasure is childish, I don't want to be an adult.

Have you noticed that we have "budding" geniuses but "bloomin'" idiots?

I'm too full of my own to take any of yours.

I could feel my brain ripping neatly in two. Although a sharp and abrupt sensation, it wasn't terribly painful. I knew that everything would be all right.

I was always rather self-absorbed. For years, I thought Lamaze was some kind of macramé-type artsy thing.

Some guitarists like to use picks; some prefer bare fingers. Different strokes, eh?

Great words in the English language: Awkward. It is as it says.

I tried hitting the Refresh button. It didn't work. I'm still groggy, high-strung and cranky.

The university's "spam digest" used to just leave me alone if I hadn't gotten any e-mails that qualified as spam that day. Now it sends me "0 new messages" e-mails.

‎"She used to be younger than you, but now she's your age." —my mom

I suppose that, as a Cubs fan, I should actually admire spammers and the like. Stayin' positive. Keepin' at it.

It's a nasty job, but someone's gotta do it. Or so we think.

"Smart as a whip". How is a whip smart? Does it drive the horses? Nothing with which we associate whips today connotes "smart". "Sadistically sexy as a whip", maybe. But not particularly smart.

I'm not always certain whether they're fruit flies or eye floaters.

Kvetch 22. You can't deal with something without complaining, but the complaining just makes the thing more difficult to deal with.

Life's simple pleasures: sucking the pimientos out of olives.

Things people say that bug me: "I'm just sayin'." To me, this implies that there's no thought behind the words. No substance. Just emptily sayin'. Just thought I ought to tell you.

Zombie mother to her children: "Eat your noodles!"

Hands-free phones: Allowing people who talk to themselves to not seem so crazy.

I saw a magazine cover that advertised "Ten style rules to break now!" Is it actually possible for style to be its own absence? Doesn't it render the whole thing meaningless? Maybe the new style is golf attire.

Why do we "write stuff down" but "type stuff up"?

I don't watch CSI or whichever show it is that he's on, but I figure Gary Sinise is a good actor by the fact that he seemed genuinely enthusiastic when performing the seventh inning stretch at the Cubs game.

"The Face Book" — the name of a book sitting on a table in the waiting area at the cosmetic surgeon's

Life's simple pleasures: Listening to the dogs crunch when I've given them croutons.

(Is it just me, or do all my "life's simple pleasures" involve food?)

A tiny spider
Roaming 'round the monitor
Trying to get down

I think the spiders are trying to tell me something by using me, at this position before the computer, to build their web from the ceiling.

You might be on Facebook a bit too much if, while driving someone else's car, a good while into the trip, you suddenly notice the little blue sticker in the bottom left of the windshield, and you think you got a notification.

I wonder if Lady Gaga is popular enough to get her own Google app. I'd enjoy hearing all the grown men and women talking about Google Gaga.

Watching my e-mail
For something personal that
Will kick my head in

Idle (or Idol) observation: Steven Tyler is appearing in drug rehab ads. He's also moved over the years from pioneering awesome rock to mainstream drek.

TV-MA-LSMFT

Who here "takes" lunch? I don't "take" lunch, but I will occasionally "have" lunch. The economy prevents me from "going out to" lunch often. Actually, I don't need to go out to it. I'm already there.

Life's little moments: Getting to your parents' empty house, using the house phone to call their cell, and hearing their cell ring in the next room.

You might be in a small town if it's late August, and the ballpark has a sign advertising an event for May 21.

You might be in a small town if you overhear someone say that it's okay if flies get in the house because it gives them something to do.

"Deal with it." There's an interesting turn of the English language. "That's the way it is. Deal with it." "Thank you, I will." POW!!! "There. I've dealt with it."

I gotta say, for all the praise I've heard about Paul Newman, he apparently never figured out the art of putting shaker tops on his dressings. (Yeah. I know. I'm a young'un.)

People I admire: a Gulliver's delivery guy with an "Official member of the Piss and Moan About Everything Club" T-shirt. "Welcome home", I told him.

We call it "playing" music even when we're dead serious about it. Although occasionally someone will "work" their guitar.

It seems smart, to me, to live east of the place you go during the day. That way, the sun isn't blinding you both ways.

Doing the dishes
Hoping that thereby I can
Feel a little warmth

‎"Let's make homemade 3D the next big thing." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think there's already something very similar to this. It's called "life".

I, like many other Americans, suffer from an extreme and seldom diagnosed mental condition known as GAFDD, or Give a Fuck Deficit Disorder. Please copy and paste this to your status to raise awareness of this affliction. Or don't.

You ever ask a family member where they're going, and they say "out"? Don't you just want to punch them in the face?

You ever try to click "Cancel" for something on the computer, and the computer won't let you because it's too busy with the process you're trying to cancel?

You know how some people say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all"? I say, fuck that shit!

The pepper-sprayer's name is Bologna? Man, you can't make this stuff up.

Where did the idea of calling one's children "Boo-boo" come from? "Boo-boo" in my mind refers to a scrape or similar injury — the result of an accident. Oh, wait.....

Is it "hipster" to dismiss hipsters as cliché?

"Divided by zero". Not divided. One. Thoughts like this are why I switched out of math/computer science.

A moccasin is a nice casual bit of footwear for indoor and light outdoor use. A water moccasin is a fanged, venomous creature of wilderness. How is this possible?

The serving spoon fell in.

It may perhaps be beneficial to folks to tell you this: I have very little sense of "cute". Puppies and babies do nothing for me, exactly one adult dog that I know of qualifies, and children only rarely qualify. Cats are more "majestic" than "cute", per se.

And I REALLY don't like referring to mixed-breed dogs with made-up combination words like shnoodle, chorkie, or whatever other god-awful concoctions I've heard. They're mutts! Mini, standard, and large, mutts!

I'm dog tired. Think I'll nap now.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World FTbigW

What starts with an F, ends with a K, and involves a lot of soul-crushing disappointment? (hint: the answer appears in the name of this blog post.)

"Those people on TV sound like you, Mommy!"

I don't think I've ever actually seen a prank "flag" gun in real life, but it seems to me, the flag ought to pop out in a way that the "victim" can see it, rather than rotated 90° like they're always portrayed.

‎"Word to the wise." Don't the wise already know the word? That's why they're wise. You don't need to give the word to the wise. The ignorant are the ones who could use it. "Word to the ignorant." That makes more sense to me.

Human animals: Pigs, road hogs, stupid cows, horses and bulldogs on the field, bunnies that aren't dogs, dirty rats, scaredy cats who are chicken, snakes in the grass, loan sharks. Sitting ducks for a poem or a song. Go get 'em, tiger!

The flower supplier for my cousin's wedding is called "Pollen"? Awesome! I can't wait to get my groceries at Artificial Preservatives!

The landing gear on my spacecraft is damaged. And the entire planet is hard land — no water. I'll have to remain in orbit indefinitely.

You ever bite into a Reese's for the first time in a long time and realize, after a couple seconds, that you're eating the redundant, inedible brown wrapper?

On this, the (pick your own integer)th day of Thanksgiving, I give thanks that I'm under absolutely no obligation to stay true to trends and can therefore skip days and indeed stop doing this altogether. Peace and love.

From the other room, the 60 Minutes ticking sounds like a parent making that "Naughty, naughty" sound. "Ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch ntch.....bad TV viewer. You should know better."

Anal eyes
Analyze
Anal lies

(stares at this with hand on chin, pondering if it's worth anything)

It can hardly be a coincidence that there are three Ps in "puppy".

Dynamus

‎"Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there." Who here has someone they consider "a good neighbor"? Is a good neighbor merely one that leaves you alone? "Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there but will do nothing for you."

"Keep your eyes peeled." Do I even have to explain my puzzlement at how this one came about?

taking showers away from me

Considerate
Consider it

I keep my toiletries in a plastic bag from Reckless Records, which I keep in my bedroom. This way, they're not locked in a bathroom that someone else is using when I need to freshen up and leave in a rush.

Dinner just tastes so much better than supper, doesn't it?

Typist: One who discriminates against those who "aren't their type".

I wonder how much of my life I've spent drying stuff. My hands, dishes, clothes, the rest of my body. Seems like a lot sometimes.

If I ever have a child (ha ha), I think I'll name it "Fire".

With apologies to Tom Paxton:

I don't want a puppy-wuppy in my humble abode
In my humble abode in the sun
For a puppy's more unpleasant than a busted commode
In my humble abode in the sun

If you outlaw anything at all, there will be outlaws.

I thought I saw you for a moment, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't actually you.

Every piss is when you Pee.

What's with all the parking signs and meters that prohibit parking completely between 2a and 6a? For what reason? Does somebody actually enforce that stuff?

I heard my mother talking about curling someone's hair with a straightener. I thought, what? Shouldn't that require a curler?

I take comfort in the fact that, in this contemporary, hi-def world, drive-thru speakers are as crackly and primitive as they've ever been.

We humans love convenience. We'd much rather send our pets out in the cold rain than clean up our floors inside.

I need sex like there's no fucking tomorrow.

Feel like posting a status, but have nothing much to say just now.

Peace and love!

Here's a good summary of what's wrong with our country (and perhaps beyond): "tl;dr". It stands for "too long; didn't read", and it is sufficiently common lingo in cyberspace. I feel like finding some of these people's contributions to the web and commenting "tii;nwr" — "too ill-informed; not worth reading". You know why our country's in the john? Large numbers of people who can't be bothered to pay attention.

Smart peace and harmony to us all.

Here's a question for you: Why is "cunt" considered an insult? Vaginas are soft, warm, inviting sources of life. I should think it would be a compliment.

I realized recently that all the blind people I've ever seen, I'm pretty sure, are guys. Makes me wonder where all the blind women are. Do they all get abducted by perverts? Is blindness primarily a male affliction? What's going on here?

Fuck purity.

Pheromone

I’m gonna be blunt: I need sex.

I’m not the least bit prepared for getting emotionally involved with any one person. And I’m certainly not prepared for any possible consequences. But I’ve been frustrated, and I gotta take it out on someone, preferably in a way that we’ll all enjoy.

Of course, being a child of polite society, I can’t really ask anyone directly. So I’m putting this out here, calling it a poem, and hoping it’ll work.

I’m available.

A few people on Facebook mentioned on the eleventh that it was "National Coming Out Day". I couldn't help noticing that all the people who mentioned it.......are female.



But when you think about it, lesbianism makes sense. The female form, and the average female mind, are attractive. Who the hell's attracted to this lumpy, hairy shit? (gestures to own genitalia)


Of course, the phenomenon of gay guys remains unexplained by this.........but I will not deny them the right to be that way.


Equal rights for all.


Peace and love.

I'm now on Google+.

...for all it's worth.

Why, when we're upset with or just really don't like someone, we say "Fuck them"? Isn't the last thing we want for them to reproduce?

On 3D Printers

Apparently, these things are becoming a real phenomenon now. They can essentially create duplicates of objects, such as household tools. It got me thinking:

In the Twilight Zone fourth season episode "Valley of the Shadow", a reporter finds himself basically held hostage in a remoter-than-remote town where such technology and beyond exists. The town can't let knowledge of the technology escape to the outside world where it will certainly be used for evil.

The reporter tries to escape. He does this at one point by "printing" up an object — a gun.

....Even after being told the reason that the technology can't be let loose on the world.

So, the question I want to ask about this 3D printer thing is: Which will it be used for first: printing up food (à la Star Trek) for the poor, or printing up weapons to eliminate competition for food (and other things; clean water, perhaps)?

Place your bets, folks.

(And yes, I did see the xkcd strip about this. There'll be plenty of that, too.)

How 'bout a lesbian in a man's body? Is that a possibility?

A status turned down from my Facebook

At some time, someone, somewhere, who ran a porn site, must have thought to himself, "Why should people having actual sex be the only ones who get viruses?"

No, there's no particular reason why this thought occurred to me. Why do you ask?

I'll gladly give more love when I get some.

Jerk off all trades,
Masturbate none

My father is kind of a jerk.

Selections from Seven Months of a Second Facebook Account

(Some of these are slightly edited from the originals.)

Enjoy!

A female in my family subscribes to a catalog called "Woman Within". Does this sound to anyone else like a service for transgender men?

You are what you ingest. My father's favorite type of tea happens to be called "Constant Comment".

The French word for "cat" sounds like the Persian word for "supreme ruler". Coincidence? I think not.

Nothing ever goes according to plan with me. This is probably because there is never a plan to which things can go according.

No wonder I thought the TV was on. Someone's playing a Morricone album in the other room.

I've always loved desserts. In kindergarten, we sang "My Country 'Tis of Thee", and I always thought the line was "...of the icing". What modern kindergartener knows from eighteenth century grammar?

IKEA products are not designed by engineers.

I tried clicking the Help button. It didn't work. I'm still a wreck.

(in response to some car company's holiday season TV ad claiming that "Nobody ever asked for a smaller gift") Not true. My mother got pretty mad when the dress we got her was too big.

Life's simple pleasures: Licking the bowl while baking.

Of all the things the university has stolen from me, I miss my mind the most.

Cheshire Adams walks into a bar. OW!, he grimaces, walking on, clutching his head in pain.

You rarely hear about male contortionists.

A cartoon caption in search of an illustration: Skeletons coming out of the closet

♪♫♪ One of these things is not like the others
One of these things belongs anyway ♪♫♪

(New Year's morning) This is it?

I got ten new compact discs this past holiday. Now I can spend many happy hours listening to other stuff while I try to get these bloody things open.

Our new smoke/carbon monoxide detector has a mute button.

This Facebook thing is great. If I poked people I weren't close with in real life, I'd probably land in a correctional facility.

If radio is going to play the Rare Earth version of "Get Ready", they should play all twenty minutes of it.

Well, I don't know. You think optimism might help?

To my knowledge, the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago is the only museum groovy enough to have its own built-in ice cream parlor.

Your overzealous advertising of your anti-spam product has backfired.

I GOT A BLACKBERRY!!!!!

.....and then I ate it. I was very hungry.

(a source that will remain unidentified to protect me, on Dr. King Day) "I don't give a fuck why we have a day off."

Lit match. Incensed. ☮

Either that, or the window needs to be cleaned. (Or both.)

nervous-compulsive at "work"

I suppose with a name like Winehouse, it was inevitable.

If the line between comedy and truth were any blurrier, it wouldn't exist at all.

I made this comment to someone and was immediately de-friended by that person.

Cold weather may be a pain at first, but you get numb to it after a while.

You might be a Chicagoan if you wear the same old sneakers in this kind of deep snow and think nothing of it.

It's not necessarily pro or con. It just is.

solace, not soulless

I looked up Mark Zuckerberg on here, just on a whim. Friending him isn't an option.

You know what they say.....therefore, there's no need for me to repeat it.

It is, in fact, something else entirely.

I'm so far out of the Loop, I cannot even be said to be in Elgin.

Words that sound weird when heard completely at random: Fallaciously.

Academic FAIL.

I may be a little hazy on my Greek and Latin word roots, but I believe "academics" comes from "aca", "up and/or forward", and "demic", "of the people". Up and/or forward to what, I wonder.....

Regarding spicy food: It is merely my personal opinion that food — that thing we depend upon for sustenance — should not be physically painful to eat.

I was always a bit self-absorbed. It took me years to figure out that the meaty bits of clam chowder weren't chicken.

I was always a bit self-absorbed. For years, I thought WD-40 was a tax form.

True stuff: I never finished kindergarten. I left a couple weeks early to visit distant (in more ways than one) family in Sarasota, Florida.

You know you've grown up when you have the pharmacy's phone number memorized.

Could be interpreted a couple different ways dept. : (my father, on being retired) "There's no more work days and off-days. They're all off-days."

I see where, at least until they're two, we refer to kids' age in months. How much longer can we do that before people start looking at us oddly?

To reflect my own youthful mind, I'll be turning 299 months in a little over a week! Yay! Cake for everybody!

BetSomewhereween

Me dear ol' mum on our family: "We put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'!"

Don't think with your brain full!

I wouldn't give my troubles to a Letterman fan on a rock!

I heard my alarm, turned it off, and proceeded to DREAM ABOUT getting up and going about my day like I was supposed to.

Lemon juice: A tool for discovering cuts on one's hand of which one was previously unaware.

The seventh inning stretch at Wrigley: Harry Karaoke. (It only took me a bit short of 25 years to realize this.)

N is for Non-sequitur.

I hope that the enemy comes in a form where they are inexplicably destroyed when two or more of them bearing the same color are hit with a replica of that form and color. We the masses will be fully prepared.

Mom: "Why does it have to be sports ALL THE TIME?!" Dad: "It doesn't! Just when they're on!"

The point is made
The tone is set.
If that's what you want,
That's what you'll get.

(on the Hitchhiker's Guide) Just the first two words alone are Far out.

looking for our glasses

My mother calls me into the other room to demonstrate my pronunciation of certain Hebrew and Yiddish words that feature that back-of-the-throat sound. She does this by saying: "Come in here! Let me see if you're Jewish!"

What does that sound like to you? I know what it sounds like to me......

I don't understand this fascination with putting things away. Things can't do any good if they're away.

Dark Star gazed out at the bizarre pattern of lights. Clearly there was something exciting and different out there, but was it real? Could it be reached at all?

She leapt down and made her way to the water bowl. That was one thing she knew she could rely on.

Room temperature water with bits of her own hair floating in it. But water nonetheless.

Ice cream knows no season.

I wonder how much of my life I've spent waiting for the "hot" water to get hot.

An only partially-working sign on a store in Bourbonnais one night: BUCKS COFFEE

Our suitcases all fit inside/around each other. Where does a company called American Tourister get off selling Russian suitcases?

Great moments in contemporary advertising: A close-up of the upper left of the Blue Screen of Death on one of those digital changing billboards overlooking the Jane Addams

Anyone else ever just lie there in the darkness with your eyes closed, gazing endlessly into the swirling green and purple before you? I'll bet that was the inspiration for the "Rock & Pop Swirl" flavor at Baskin Robbins.

Here's something I'd like explained to me: Illinois' alternate license plate design that prominently features mountains.

I am officially a full-fledged Facebooker. I wrote a status in the form of a cutesy letter to an entity that'll never perceive it.

You can take all the
Showers in the galaxy
And still not get clean.

Here's an obsolete word: Best. These days, it ought to be "Least bad".

I guess they're called "loaded questions" because we basically have to get loaded before we can try to answer them.

Idealistic
Unrealistic
Out of the mystic
Extra-simplistic
Masochistic?

Off-stylistic, anyway.

In Russia, song deletes YouTube!

Got air in my bicycle tires.

How's that? Nice, mainstream status update? Turn you folks on?

Seriously?

No. Not yet, I don't think.

I have these moods sometimes.

It's all good for now.

♪♫♪ Nobody likes me
Everybody hates me
Guess I'll let the worms eat me ♪♫♪

Logically....

....I've gotten to thinking that the humane thing to do with miserable people is to put them out of their misery.

No more deadlines, no more financial worries, no more ability to perceive others and consequently disdain them. No more ice cream either, but if the negative sufficiently outweighs the positive.....

Just end it.

(Not me. I believe I'm capable of not being miserable, long as the misery creators around me cease.)

I want to stab the father
And do the yorkie in
And if it comes to it
See Dr. Kevorkian.

Edit 6-3-11: R.I.P. Jack.

They make a perfect couple. He's a prick, and she's a cunt.

Right.

MLK Jr. Day Observed. I have no idea when his actual birthday is, but the man is nonetheless groovy. After all the civil rights activism, he spoke out about/against the Vietnam War and was criticized for it by civil rights supporters. Bizarre. Anyway, lovely that we have a day set aside to be thankful for equal opportunity, wholly independent of physical qualities, to wallow in the mire. C'est la vie.

*~*~*~*

Some of you may have noticed a decline in blog material of late. I sense it's connected to my mid-October signing on to Facebook. I actually have two accounts on Facebook — Cheshire Adams (who has actually been on Facebook rather longer, just not that actively), and then one under my real name. The latter was initially intended to get back in touch with people I used to know — old high school classmates, for instance (see Eruption Pending), 'cause they never heard of Cheshire Adams. If Cheshire Adams tells these people they know me, I'll probably be mass-blocked to the point of my account being axed by the man (or, more likely, the bot). But I got some three-hundred-forty-ish "friends" under my real name (apparently there's a fairly big difference between "Facebook friends" and actual friends), and so, since there's a pretty good sample of real people there — more varied than Cheshire's 48 friends — that account, in addition to being a reconnection tool, has kind of become my scratch paper — a launching pad for the sort of thoughts that would otherwise be posted here.

That said, I prefer to be polite on that account and stay away from the expletives. But in this increasingly frustrating world, I gotta let loose with those expletives someplace, and it would appear that this blog is the destination for my more explosive catharses.

That's right, Lucy in Cyberspace is gettin' artsy. So, since I have a couple short poems I wish to digitally scrawl down quickly, I'll put a bit of a warning somewhere near the top of this thing, and those of you who are turned off by this sort of material can catch up with me on Facebook. Or via e-mail. Or on the music fora through which you know me. And, those of you who don't know my real name: you can find it on the 'Book if you're clever.....

Well, another semester starts today.....joy.....

*~*~*~*

Mom, if you're reading this, Hi there! and, Some kind of social awakening has happened within me of late, and perhaps all of this explains everything. Now careful you don't get too nosy with the other account.